Monday, 27 February 2012

12. Public Transportation

Ok guys, I know I've been on a mile-high-hiatus but yeah I sorta just got back from overseas and know the drill. I'll make this post long to make-up for all the other days I missed out :)
So anyways, university starts in 2 hours for me and what better way to prepare than to startup a post! 
And since I'm an adult now, and a big boy, my dad won't be driving me anywhere, so i'm going to have to rely on public transportation to get me to uni, parties, strip clubs, etc.

But here's the problem...

EVERYONE knows how screwed, awkward and yucky the buses and trains can be, so below are socially-acceptable etiquettes you can utilize in order to keep you sane in an otherwise less than civilized environment, typically with the prime objective of keeping people away from you, or at least keep them from talking to you :)

Sit Near The Toilet:

If you're riding a form of transport that has a toilet in it, then you are able to pull of an incredibly strategic manoeuvre. 
It's in human nature to avoid wastes and that brown stuff that comes out of our bums. Indeed, the avoidance of fecal matter has been a constant since the dawn of time, with the exception of German porn enthusiasts and Nicki Minaj fans.
Now free your mind from those thoughts. Go near the toilet take a sniff, and if there isn't any foul odor, then sit next to it. Its existence will repel other people away from you. 
So remember, clean toilets are your friends, until someone comes in and makes it vile, but then again what are the odds that you have those two diarrhea girls from Harold & Kumar hop on your train.

Drink Alcohol Publicly:

A win/win proposition, not only will you be driving away the daily commuters, but you'll also be able to drown your bad memories away in alcohol!
Sure everyone will be thinking, "WHAT KIND OF LOWLIFE, AIDS-INFESTED, BOOZE-DEPENDANT SCUM DRINKS JACK DANIELS AT 8AM IN THE MORNING?!" But who cares? That's all part of the plan, keeps them away from you.
I always take a big gulp the precise moment a person walks by eyeing the seats next to you, works like a miracle I tell you. However, let me tell you this. You might attract those scary homeless people who'll ask you a sip, in that case just run out of the train. But just like the toilet trick above, how often does a hobo/druggie hop on the same train as 
you? Low-risk, high-reward fellas.

Consider Obesity:

What more must I say?
And no, I'm not making a mockery out of fat people, but I'm just saying, if you become large-dimensioned then use that to your advantage. It's not that big people are ugly or smelly (though it's generally stereotyped) but by being next to them, the truth is things can get tight REAL QUICK. 
Voila, you yourself are a commuter-repellant ;)
This, however, wouldn't be a problem if the government can bring us larger seats for the already screwed transport system.

Wear Headphones:

It's inevitable that you won't always be able to prevent others from sitting next to you, and if all of the above don't work, then simply put, "headphones are your lifesavers." 
Sure there'll be people sitting next to you, but the music playing will keep you in a tolerable mood by putting you in an imaginary state (I mean come on, surely all of you listen to a song and remember all the memories that come with it). Plus it'll help you resist the temptation to punch any of the drunk sports enthusiasts that keep blabbering about their winning team.

And here is what is socially-unacceptable to keep people away from you:

Don't Sit Like You Got Watermelon Sized Testicles

Obviously no one thinks it's justified to let out farts and burps to keep others from sitting next to you.
However, there are some people who think that sitting with their legs spread out as if they have five girls sucking their rod is acceptable.
Those people have the mindset of "If I behave like a ruthless   kid, then others will be too intimidated or socially awkward to tell me off (Thankfully, many people still tell them off)."
This is a true sign of a brainless, indecent motherf**ker ;)

Don't Place Your Bag On The Seat

And I'm not talking about when the bus is empty.
Yeah, and when you approach them, they pretend they don't see you and make no attempt move their bag. Only when you pick up their bag and throw it out the window will they acknowledge your existence. @#$!ing sausage-eating dogkients motherf*$kersz.